I headed out toward North Carolina, leaving my son Mitchell in the rear view mirror. He has been my saving grace. How strange it is to be leaving him now. I don't want to leave him nor my other children in this Happy Valley known as Utah Valley, UT. My son, Mitchell took me in a few days after getting out of the hospital for cancer surgery, bilateral mastectomy. I was so weak, in terrible pain, and scared half out of my wits. He was my calm. He provided sanctuary for me to heal. I would get in his comfortable bed and be able to relax and sleep, feeling that all is well, and knowing that Mitchell will be coming home after work. Aah, everything is OK. His pillows on his bed were so soft. My mind could just space out and not think, then... sweet rest. I will be forever grateful for the time we have had together. The bottom line is, that he put his life on hold for nine months to be around me every night after work and all weekend long. Of course, he brought the funny man, life extraordinaire, with him, Matt. I love him like a son. They have been close friends since childhood. They even look like brothers - that's scary. I always felt comforted at night in my own bedroom when I heard them laughing, as they played wii together. It never mattered if they were getting loud, "oh good, it's the boys," I would think to myself. Our little family is all together.
Funny how God works. Doors close, windows close, friends stop talking and go away quickly, no solution shows itself ... EXCEPT for one. It's the one open door that has been given as the solution. There was nowhere to live in Utah. However, my dear friends, Tim and his wife, Renee, offered respite with them in North Carolina. After going crazy for a week, not accepting this dilemma and fighting it, I finally surrendered and let go. A peace came over me and I was given the strength to get my belongings packed and the car ready for the trip. Then I knew it was God's answer for me. "OK God, you have stated loudly enough to get my attention. I will go boldly to North Carolina in faith, trusting you," I thought, as I turned the corner and Mitchie slipped out of view.
I went up north to Clearfield to stay with Melissa for a few days to finish getting the car ready and wait until my money got deposited into my bank account. I always enjoy staying with my daughter and getting to be around my dear grandchildren. They are so precious to me. If there is pain in leaving, it is the unknown as to when I will see these little ones again. I do not like the feeling that I am far away from them. I don't want them to forget me and I don't want to be so far away that I can't jump in the car and go for a visit. They are my love therapy, just as my kids are. I missed them before I even left. However, the one wonderful blessing is that I know they are OK. They have good parents and that is such a relief not to worry, but to have faith in the parenting of my beloved kids. Melissa is my firstborn. I always remind her that when she was born was the first time I truly knew what love was. This was a huge love that fragrances every facet of my life. I was willing to sacrifice all of me for the benefit of this little life. That is the way I have felt about each of my children and still do. Such a gift to love a child.
In fact, it's an even more wonderful thing to love a grandchild. See, I'm heading toward my second childhood and they are there... so we play on the floor and sing and dance and do things together on the same level.... it's fun for us! For example, I was laying on the living room floor and Jesse (4 yrs old) ran up to me and started pushing me across the floor. When we got to the other side, he pushed me back across the floor. It was fun for him and it helped my back feel better. We laughed together and kept at it. Melissa came in to watch. I think she was trying to get the camera or the video recorder as we stopped doing it. Boy, I really wouldn't want that recorded. They could use it to prove me insane and have me committed to a... "nursing home". It must be really weird for my kids tho'. They are just beginning to raise new lives and their mother has been facing the ending of life. Hey, let's all get down on the floor and roll each other around like a log. It's fun!
"Life, it travels in circles. You've got to know how to get around." Sizzla.
We all do the best we can in each situation that presents itself in our lives. Some make us stretch and grow to new capacities. This winter has been like that for me and for Melissa. I am proud of how Melissa and Torrey live their lives and overcome the challenges they are faced with. I, also, have been blessed with new insights and skills to face challenges in my life. It was difficult to leave Melissa with Jacob in her arms and Jesse waving goodbye. I so wanted to tell her that she is my hero. We all wish we could have done more for our loved ones when they are in need of help. I think she felt that way about me. She has always been there for me when I needed her and vice verse. I called her when I got to Ft. Collins and told her to dump guilt. We never have to carry that old baggage with us... it's a lie. I will always be grateful for my daughter and her family in my life. They also have been saving grace for me. I watched the boys and Melissa wave goodbye until I almost hit the curb where the road curved.
I drove the familiar road to Ft. Collins, CO listening to my ipod. "Exodus, movement of Jah people" Bob Marley & The Wailers, played over and over in my ear as I drove. I came to the conclusion that at least it's just a calling to another place where God needs my help and not the BIG exodus in the sky for me! Whew, that was a close call.... "Thank you, God", I thought. When I saw the sign exclaiming "Ft. Collins", I yelled out the car window, "I'm home!" After visiting some friends and making different choices than I thought I would, I got really tired. I knew in my heart that this wasn't my home anymore. I was so thankful that I am not the woman that I was when I was living here. I am so grateful that I don't live under the conditions that I had when I was here last. I had lunch with Berry. It was the one light spot in that stop. I sure do love him.
I made up my mind that I would make this trip and asked God for his strength to do it and headed off toward the east. I drove forever it seemed like, stopping to sleep in the back for a few hours and finally reached my next destination, Sevierville, TN. Thank God! I had the most beautiful place in the smokey mountains to rest for awhile with the most loving people. Aah, just what I needed. Thank you, Renee. Her father and son put me up at their house.
Is this Heaven or is this the Smokey Mountains?
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