Thrown away by my family but an intrigal part of all that there is

Compassion is the ability to put oneself in the position of another and feel how that person must feel ~ then be helpful in a way that the person would WANT to be helped.

That is quite a meditation. One which I fear people in our culture are NOT adept to at all.

It takes HEART to love another and really CARE about the suffering of others and WANT to ease that pain in a way that miraculously bonds, blesses, and heals both of the people involved...

The military has a code of ethics ~ NO ONE LEFT BEHIND ~ do we have a code of ethics?

Think about this for a minute...

If I happened to show up on your door step crying,
Would you Care?

If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something Happened,
Would you come?

If I had one day left, to live my life;
Would you be part of That last day?

If I needed a shoulder to cry on,
Would you give me Yours?

This is a test to see who your real Friends are or if you are just someone to talk to you when they are bored

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes?

They blink together, they move together,
They cry together, they see things together, and they sleep together,
But they never see each other;

.. that's what friendship is.

Your aspiration is your motivation, your motivation is your belief,
your Belief is your peace, your peace is your target,
your target is heaven, and

Life is like hard core torture without it



I have experienced deep disappointment in my life. However...

It seems that I started out life feeling loved, loving freely, and knowing that all around me was love. I was protected and cared for. All my needs were provided.

As I began to grow up, I began experiencing hurts and wounds from my experiences with people in this world. I then created some different beliefs about me and about other people and about the world that were not true but served me at the time to protect me and keep me out of harms way. I learned that other people will hurt me. So, I began to back off and turn off that loving part of me. I hardened my heart and began to treat others as I had been treated.

There is a saying that my Mother used to tell us kids:

"Treat others as you would have them treat you."

I guess I was back-ass-ward ~ which is true of this entire world. I decided that I would treat others as I had been treated and be even better at it and treat them that way first, so I could protect myself and keep people away from me.

I decided early in my childhood that I had been hurt enough.

I knew that I was unloved, unloveable, and unloving. I knew that no one wanted me and didn't choose me. I knew early on that I was a "throw away" person.

Somewhere in the cobwebs of my mind I remember hearing my Mom and Dad use a saying about fishing... the bottom line was ~ are you big enough to keep. I always knew I was not big enough to keep. I was the one that would be cast back into the water to be eaten up by the bigger fish.

I was NOT the chosen one by my family. I was not included, valued, nor wanted... not by the parents. That dribbled down to the siblings... they all had the same relationship with me... No relationship. I wasn't worth talking to or doing anything with. As we became adults, I was the one they didn't talk about or mention to their best friends.

I just didn't exist. I had been thrown away and was invisible since they were born. I was alone in a family that didn't want me and it has remained that way today. No one cares if I am alive or if I die. No one calls when I am going through cancer. No one celebrates my victories. No one knows who I am nor what I am about. I just don't exist in their world. This still deeply hurts me today. This extends even to my cousins and aunt. They were a part of my original family in my mind. But, I am not a part of their family either. I live in no-family land.

This has been my deepest wound. It has spread throughout my life into my intimate relationships with my two husbands and was punctuated by their departure.

The disappearance of my children from my life, for various reasons, almost killed me. My kids were my only saving grace of starting a loving family and being a valued part of that.

I don't know how I survived the pain of those days. Likewise, the pain of standing up and announcing that I am a part of this family, and I will be a part of this family, and demanding to be a part of family events with my children. That was difficult to crack the indifference, snide remarks, and exclusive tradition towards me. It re-broke my heart over and over as I continued to stand in my truth and not back down to my children and other family members.

I am alive. I am your mother. I have a place in this family. I want you in my life, and I want to be in your life. I will be a part of family events no matter how other people feel about me. I EARNED MY PLACE HERE FOR GOD'S SAKE ~ I CO-CREATED YOU! If I don't belong here with you, then there is no where I belong. If you don't belong here with me, then there is no where you belong.

I only got through to two of them, and an opening with another. I am afraid that hatred has taken one of my children forever. I can't even type that sentence without terrible pain rising in me... I will take a break from this now, but I will leave this on this blogg... I have the right to expression!

You see I keep coming back to this over and over in my life. I get to a place of thinking I am accepting what is and then I find myself feeling abandoned and in need of help and the family who would normally be there in every healthy family ~ is not there one more time, for me. I am left alone with insurmountable odds and challenges in front of me. It pissed me off everytime.

Sometimes, even tho' I know better, I do reach out to family and ask for help. Of course, I know better than to do that. The answer is no. Or if someone does do something for me, which isn't of great consequence considering the great need... they think they need a badge and a parade for what they have done and get a resentment towards me for not doing something great and wonderful back to them... I don't know what they want... for me to bend over in gratitude towards them? Even tho' I have great gratitude, it's not enough.

So, our relationship goes back to..."they throw me away", I stay in great need of my family, and they don't give a shit. It is so painful everytime I am in need of family support. When will I learn to just let them go? When will I learn to quit hurting myself wanting something that is just not there! When there is no love, there just is no love. I hate it and keep clinging to some hope that things will change... but how many years has it been?

Melissa keeps on encouraging me to let it go. She reminds me that no one has cared for years, why would I think that someone would care now, even if I do have cancer... does that make anyone change and care now? No, it doesn't. I'm just not included: in family reunions, graduations, celebrations, announcements, family parties, holidays, funerals, EVERYTHING ~ I am dead to my family... AND I AM ANGRY ABOUT THAT!

Wow! Was I on a roll in the above statements or what? Eckhart Tolle would say that my Ego along with my emotional body had taken over and had it's way with me! That was my wounded self talking. It is strong and deep, isn't it. It has it's way with me much too much! I am finding a way to heal that...

I am guided and lead by my higher self to heal this and I will heal it.

To live in inner peace knowing that the wounded self is from the past and is not true about me today is the first step in healing that emotional body. Recognizing that negative influx of energy as what it is ~ Ego and emotional energy stored from the past and allowing it to release as it did when it was typed above is one way. Reach outside myself to help another is what I am going to do when I'm done typing this. That is another way of getting out of self. Having an experience of spaciousness and love that comes from inside of me and extends to all that there is is the truth of me ~ and you. I am a part of you. You are a part of me. I cannot be thrown away ever ~ it is inconceivable. Love is all there is... I am love and so are you. That is the truth.